Ahh…Romance

(My topic this morning will reach two different groups. Women who do not have children or do not want them, you will understand me completely. For women who are mothers, maybe you will comprehend our side better now.)With the woman who recently gave birth to eight babies after already having six at home, I’m up for a subject change. Yes, I write about romance but marriage and children are sometimes the product of my typical theme. Remember the old children’s rhyme First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes (enter name here) with a baby carriage. So in my opinion this fits nicely since there is nothing romantic about trying to have an evening with your significant other to be interrupted by a crying baby. There have been many moral and economic discussions in regards to women who procreate in bundles versus singles; my topic has nothing to do with either morality or economics.  

On to my rant, and yes, I mean rant! 

First, do not judge me because I don’t have children.  

Second, please do not mention the damned bio-logical clock to me, even if you hear its infernal ticking, I don’t!  

Now with that out of the way I will continue. Not all women, because we were born with the ability to bear children, want one or more of our own. This does not make us selfish. This does not mean we don’t like children. So many times in life women like myself (at the age where the above mentioned clock is hammering away) are asked the question, “Are you planning on having children?” or “Can’t you have children?”  If you answer these questions with, “No, children are not part of my plan,” most of the time you get ‘the look.’ I personally hate this look as it is a combination of pity, shame, and shock.

I’ve had the baby discussion many of times with my married, childless friends and we all feel the same way. We are being judged for not having children. Therefore, I’m going to take the time to explain. Certain women want children, others don’t. See it’s simple. Now to clear up a few misconceptions:

We do not hate children.

We do not hate your children or children at all.

It is not always because we’ve decided not to; we might not have a choice in the matter.

It’s not about what our bodies will look like afterward.

There are lots of women out there who are married, who have normal incomes, who have a normal life who don’t have children. Some women like their lifestyles, they are work oriented, or they just don’t have an interest. Some women just don’t have the ‘Mommy’ instinct either. I believe the ‘Mommy’ instinct to be that feeling women get when they see or touch a baby and get all gooey strange. The women in the grocery store line who can carry on a full dialog with another woman whose baby is chewing on the cart handle and drooling happily. Just because I’d rather look at the tabloids doesn’t mean I don’t feel your baby is cute, but I’d rather see which celebrity is sleeping with whom this week!

Then there are women who do have the ‘Mommy’ instinct but still don’t want a baby. Take me for example …. I will mother anyone that comes near me. I mother my family, I mother my dogs, I mother my own mother, but do I want to be a real mother? Answer: NO! My ‘Mommy’ instinct is just a little tweaked, I like to care for people and things, make them happy, and allow them to feel content.  Now the common misconception about women like me is: we don’t like children. Answer: WRONG!  

I like children! Most of my girlfriends have kids and the time I spent with them makes me very happy. I have two nieces who are the cutest, smartest, happiest little girls in the world and I love them very much. Here’s the big kicker, one is my biological family, and the other isn’t. If I hated children would I call my friends little girl my niece? NO! I love both of these little girls, one I hardly get to see due to the fact we are in different states, but the other, since she is so close by I see all of the time. When I was closer to the other one, I took the time to see her too. Get it, I like kids, they don’t fit into my life plan or into my health situation.  Nevertheless, if I say that to others, I get ‘The Look’.

Some women would give their left arm to have children and can’t. I know some of these women and it breaks my heart. I have a girlfriend who wanted a baby, and tried for a very long time. And every time one of those nosey women asked her, “Aren’t you going to have children?” she went home and cried. Now after so many horrible years of the looks, the questions and countless false alarms she has a beautiful little girl, and people still haven’t relented. The question has turned into, “When do you plan on a second?”

Really? Why is that anyone’s business? Answer: NO! 

 What are we women or baby machines?!? This is not the nineteenth century where people procreated to make sure one of their children would live to carry on the family name or title. As a society we have plenty of medicine, the bubonic plague does not seem to be sweeping over the country side as I type this. Where there was once a need for gigantic families there isn’t any longer. Fine if you choose to fill your house to the brim with little ones have at it, but leave the rest of us alone.  

Does our lack of children make us less of a woman? Judging by my own situation, I have to say no. Each night I cook dinner for my family, I wear aprons, bake everything with the exception of pie crust, from scratch. I clean, I sew and I like keeping a house. You would think my above list would be enough to show, yes, in fact I am a women, possibly born in the wrong century but nevertheless a real woman. Children or lack thereof should not be thrown into the equation.

So next time you are around a woman, who is married and of the appropriate age to have children, maybe you will think before you ask the question. Some of us are getting really tired of it. Some of us are getting tired of having to explain ourselves. Then there are others, like my friend that wants one so badly they can taste it and just can’t. Remember just because we’re women doesn’t mean we are mothers.

Just because we’re not mothers doesn’t mean we’re not women.

 What do you think?

Trackback URI | Comments RSS